Here we are people. A new year. I'm still single and yes you care. Much has changed and many have grown. The crashing of stories and experiences has continued nonetheless and there have been new additions to my life's narrative. Love is becoming more and more of an after thought yet an ever present factor in my life. I'm beginning to look at it as a type cast glitch in the matrix of sorts. I'm basically just starting to ignore it. I won't deny it...refuse it....but right now I'm ignoring it like that hospital bill from my sophomore year in college and the fact that I've messaged people who haven't messaged me back yet. Life, I tell you.
I have no idea where I'm headed or what this life has in store for me but after 30 years of breathing (oh yeah, happy birthday to me) I'm nice and content riding this wave of mistakes, regrets and uncertainties. The highs and the apparent and inevitable lows. I'm through trying to figure things out I'm accepting that I know not what is of tomorrow. The matters of tomorrow will care for themselves. I'm here, in this place crash and burn committing to the unknown. Doing my best by all that is living and moving about in existence. I am not an island.
In this new year I've felt similar emotions to those I encountered before professing love to 3 or 4 women in my life and I haven;t quite known how to express that nor how to maneuver through this familiar yet strange phase of life I hadn't experienced in quite some time.
My relationships are beginning to seem as if they were eternities apart and I've lived a half a lifetime in all of them. Translating into my retirement from the emotional economy and unplugging from the machine.
And that's exactly how I feel in this singlationship. Like an emotional retiree.
I'm the obnoxious old fogy...well, not quite as conservative, but you get the picture...the old person who doesn't give a shit about tact and timing and being emotionally correct. I'm that guy.
I'm living. As an emotional retiree.
Here's to tomorrow and the bright possibilities and countless opportunities no longer tied to the yolk of the man who intended to drain my emotions for capital gain and fuel for the machine blinding the people of their independence and unalienable right to explore this existence and all of its joyous and countless pleasures.
Good bye evil. Hello righteousness. On my terms. Smile.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
deprivation, the new domestic abusive
I've been deprived of emotional reciprocity for quite some time. I don't care who's fault it may have been, my fault, her fault, the dogs fault (as my coaching mentor would say). I feel as battered intangibly and abused emotionally as victim of non-physical domestic abuse. Unspoken words and the denial of expression can be as devastating and detrimental to a person as words spoken. Lesson #124 Learned. Selah.
Logic Over Love. LOL
Lord, please forgive me in advance as I venture into this next stage of life. I've learned to have as few expectations as possible with people and to be aggressive when seizing moments that present themselves desirable. I'm traversing this life at 28 years of age with a 3 year old son and ambitions that I even yet to define. Therefore, this singlationship will only accommodate those women who are driven and autonomous. We will have the most substantial quality outside of the fear of God in common. Here's to the ambitious life. Ambition in profession, in leisure, and in embracing all that life has to offer through an eternal perspective founded on Christ's death, burial, and resurrection.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Death Comes in Threes
Wow, its been quite some time since I've reported on the singlationship status. But, what better way to let some things marinate and develop before reporting my findings. In three months time I've courted three young women with varying levels of interest. And if I was to be technical I'd actually have to say five. Let's recap, shall we?
Prospect 1: Let's refer to her as Sandra. Sandra was one of thee most compatible women I believe I've met to this date. Sandra was very stunning and dressed very well. I met Sandra on a social website and we began cordial interaction that branched into friendship. I was very apprehensive with Sandra because of our sharp contrast in backgrounds, however I was drawn to her by our kindred spirits of work ethic, intelligence, and devotion. Both single parents we found time to spend with each other and it was quite enjoyable might I add. However, Sandra and I grew apart or at least returned to a level of cordiality due to some issues (dare I sat that word, such strong connotation) of timing and expectancy. I believe I expected too much or I expected a different range of emotional response from Sandra that I certainly believe she possessed, yet simply chose not to display towards me at the time maybe. I still have feelings for Sandra and I'm pleased to say that we still have contact although not as frequent or potent.
Lesson: Some stereotypes are more like social patterns. Act and react accordingly.
Prospect 2: Let's refer to her as Mary. Mary was one of thee most fun loving people I've ever known. Giving, selfless and gorgeous. Mary and I had mutual friends actually and began spending casual outings together even had a date. It was the best time I've had with pants on in quite some time. She was an amazing soul and had an energy about her that drew me even our absence of each other. Sadly, in a frivolous exchange on a public social site I shared some opinions I have towards dating and social life which displeased Mary. At that time Mary and I had actually shared a conversation or two stating our situations as it applied to our love lives and what we expected and were looking for. Mary's detesting of my opinions on the social site startled me in that I perceived our interactions to be limited due to here expectations. But there is a strong possibility that I undervalued her admittance of feeling towards me and my tongue in cheek banter rubbed her the wrong way. Needless to say Mary was slightly forgiving in the matter, however we are no longer in contact with each other.
Lesson: Perception is only as real as tomorrow's results. Patience doesn't produce forgiveness.
Prospect 3: This young lady will go by the name of Angelica. Angelica was a short stint at actually dating someone. I vaguely knew her in the sense that her personality wasn't the most attractive, however she was attractive and I perceived an opportunity to venture into a different archetype of woman. I failed miserably. My humor stood in the way of further interactions with Angelica and my uncomfortableness reminded me of gloomy and despondent dealings with ex girlfriends and the sort.
Lesson: "Roses" -Outkast
Seems like I've lived three lifetimes in merely three months. Stay tuned for the next episode of "Singlationship."
Prospect 1: Let's refer to her as Sandra. Sandra was one of thee most compatible women I believe I've met to this date. Sandra was very stunning and dressed very well. I met Sandra on a social website and we began cordial interaction that branched into friendship. I was very apprehensive with Sandra because of our sharp contrast in backgrounds, however I was drawn to her by our kindred spirits of work ethic, intelligence, and devotion. Both single parents we found time to spend with each other and it was quite enjoyable might I add. However, Sandra and I grew apart or at least returned to a level of cordiality due to some issues (dare I sat that word, such strong connotation) of timing and expectancy. I believe I expected too much or I expected a different range of emotional response from Sandra that I certainly believe she possessed, yet simply chose not to display towards me at the time maybe. I still have feelings for Sandra and I'm pleased to say that we still have contact although not as frequent or potent.
Lesson: Some stereotypes are more like social patterns. Act and react accordingly.
Prospect 2: Let's refer to her as Mary. Mary was one of thee most fun loving people I've ever known. Giving, selfless and gorgeous. Mary and I had mutual friends actually and began spending casual outings together even had a date. It was the best time I've had with pants on in quite some time. She was an amazing soul and had an energy about her that drew me even our absence of each other. Sadly, in a frivolous exchange on a public social site I shared some opinions I have towards dating and social life which displeased Mary. At that time Mary and I had actually shared a conversation or two stating our situations as it applied to our love lives and what we expected and were looking for. Mary's detesting of my opinions on the social site startled me in that I perceived our interactions to be limited due to here expectations. But there is a strong possibility that I undervalued her admittance of feeling towards me and my tongue in cheek banter rubbed her the wrong way. Needless to say Mary was slightly forgiving in the matter, however we are no longer in contact with each other.
Lesson: Perception is only as real as tomorrow's results. Patience doesn't produce forgiveness.
Prospect 3: This young lady will go by the name of Angelica. Angelica was a short stint at actually dating someone. I vaguely knew her in the sense that her personality wasn't the most attractive, however she was attractive and I perceived an opportunity to venture into a different archetype of woman. I failed miserably. My humor stood in the way of further interactions with Angelica and my uncomfortableness reminded me of gloomy and despondent dealings with ex girlfriends and the sort.
Lesson: "Roses" -Outkast
Seems like I've lived three lifetimes in merely three months. Stay tuned for the next episode of "Singlationship."
Friday, February 5, 2010
Step One: Expectations
The first and most paramount of issues I have had to deal with entering my singlationship is expectations. In my romantic relationships, there have been expectations galore. Returning phone calls, responding to messages, spending time, checking up on, things of that nature which are innocent in and of themselves but somehow become mandated in a relationship.
Encountering new acquaintances and making new friends of the female gender ive began battling the level and nature of my expectations. My reservations are summarized best as “I am not her boyfriend/she is not my girlfriend, what more can I (and really should I) expect from her?” these feelings had to be adjusted so that positive and progressive relationships and experiences can grow.
I would hate to prohibit quality relations from growing between myself and future friends because of my unrealistic expectations. I have been a keen observer of relationships for so long and I have been able to pride myself in the successes of building and extrapulating quality experiences from people but via romantic relationships, which have come with a certain set of expectations.
The heaviest of the romantic relationship expectations is the concept of exclusiveness. Exclusiveness to me is translated as: expecting to be the only one whom with certain inherent feelings and even feelings towards certain experiences (large or small) are shared. Exclusiveness presents the feeling of being different, set apart from others in your soginificant others life. In romantic relationships this has been a very beneficial and rewarding expectation.
In my journey to developing and fully benefitting from my singlationship I hope and sincerely pray to find a concept and feeling as rewarding and fulfilling as the exclusiveness of a relationship and the contentment, sanity, and comfort it provides.
I am pleased to say that I have overcome this hurdle and I will establish this as my personal STEP ONE to enjoying the benefits, privileges, and pleasures of a singlationship. Although in search of that concept to replace exclusiveness, I no longer hold those expectations of new friends and acquaintances.
walk with me
Encountering new acquaintances and making new friends of the female gender ive began battling the level and nature of my expectations. My reservations are summarized best as “I am not her boyfriend/she is not my girlfriend, what more can I (and really should I) expect from her?” these feelings had to be adjusted so that positive and progressive relationships and experiences can grow.
I would hate to prohibit quality relations from growing between myself and future friends because of my unrealistic expectations. I have been a keen observer of relationships for so long and I have been able to pride myself in the successes of building and extrapulating quality experiences from people but via romantic relationships, which have come with a certain set of expectations.
The heaviest of the romantic relationship expectations is the concept of exclusiveness. Exclusiveness to me is translated as: expecting to be the only one whom with certain inherent feelings and even feelings towards certain experiences (large or small) are shared. Exclusiveness presents the feeling of being different, set apart from others in your soginificant others life. In romantic relationships this has been a very beneficial and rewarding expectation.
In my journey to developing and fully benefitting from my singlationship I hope and sincerely pray to find a concept and feeling as rewarding and fulfilling as the exclusiveness of a relationship and the contentment, sanity, and comfort it provides.
I am pleased to say that I have overcome this hurdle and I will establish this as my personal STEP ONE to enjoying the benefits, privileges, and pleasures of a singlationship. Although in search of that concept to replace exclusiveness, I no longer hold those expectations of new friends and acquaintances.
walk with me
etymology
obviously the combining of the terms single and relationship have birthed this blogs title. similarly the essence behind the two concepts have birthed this phase in my life.
a singlationship is had with one's self. an individual applies and epitomizes the same amount of passion, commitment, loyalty, consideration, time and resources into a relationship with themselves as they would a significant other.
i've always had pride in my ability to maintain a healthy relationship with flaws that accompany being human. although, obviously, i am no longer involved with anyone else, lessons have been learned, closure has been made, and growth has occurred. i am now involved with myself.
this blog will have expressions, however, that will exemplify both lifestyles; that of a relationship and that of being single. together they will be a written expression of mind state as i walk this path. it really is that deep.
walk with me
a singlationship is had with one's self. an individual applies and epitomizes the same amount of passion, commitment, loyalty, consideration, time and resources into a relationship with themselves as they would a significant other.
i've always had pride in my ability to maintain a healthy relationship with flaws that accompany being human. although, obviously, i am no longer involved with anyone else, lessons have been learned, closure has been made, and growth has occurred. i am now involved with myself.
this blog will have expressions, however, that will exemplify both lifestyles; that of a relationship and that of being single. together they will be a written expression of mind state as i walk this path. it really is that deep.
walk with me
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